Some Alone Time With Me, Myself and I

I just love the weather today, its cold yet a little warm. Such lovely maple trees, some green and some red. Ah, simply beautiful.

I moved in the balcony with my laptop in an attempt to write something. Or shall I say, in an attempt to keep my legs warm as I shiver when the cold wind blows. Can’t help but admire the beauty of the green trees, blue sky and the lovely blue lake. It’s a blessing to wake up everyday to such beautiful scenery from the balcony.

As I sit here, I hear different sounds. I hear somebody cleaning the sidewalks with a machine that blows away leafs to the side. And, I hear a whole bunch of guys playing basketball in the parking lot. Its funny how they scream in agony every time they miss the ball. I have always wondered why guys feel it important to scream their lungs out during cricket, basketball, karom board etc. They beat the daylights out of their vocal chords! And than they blame us ladies that we scream for no reason.

I hear two older men talking so fast they probably forget to breathe. Talking about their lives, experiences, and grandchildren’s. It takes guts to grow that old. Well, it takes guts to do everything like building your home, making a living, making bones, making teeth, making… FOOD!

This brings me to the topic. I cooked today. Emm yeah, you heard that! I made spaghetti. The last time I made spaghettis was 3 years back and lord it took me forever today. Yeah I know it isn’t that hard but there’s a little secret I need to spill. I am not that great of a cook and neither do I like to cook. But if I do, for some reason, I need to have the sink clean. It has to shine, the dishes have to be clean and nicely put on the side, and so does the glasses.

Lets put it this way; I won’t cook if the kitchen isn’t clean. I’m a little fussy about it. Sometimes this fussiness goes a little too far, I let the food on the stove burn while cleaning the sink. And then comes my mother “honey yeh kya kar rahi ho, gher jalana hai tum ne”. Not really mom, but a clean sink makes a huge difference in .. emm.. making me want to stay there.

Okay back to my spaghettis. Half the credit for it to reach an eatable state goes to mamma; I had forgotten to take it off when it gets tender. Ahem. Next I put in boneless chicken - cooked, of course - I can’t take anymore of the meatballs. I mixed everything together and put them in a nice big bowl. Since nobody was willing to eat it first, I gave in and tried it myself.

I have never been a fan of my own cooked food, though people think I can really cook and should not be worried about winning my husbands heart…yawn! So I took a bite and my heart just broke into a million pieces. Too hot, too sour, maybe overcooked? Too much of everything. In short, I CAN’T COOK and I ain’t cooking never again.

Anyways, that was my comment. After when it was served on the dining table to my brother and mother, they couldn’t believe I made it – yeah right! Rub it in now =(- but guess what, they actually liked it, my brother said “honey really knows how to cook now, very nice” and my mother felt so proud.

Phewwwwwwww, I was so glad and elated to hear that. I had never waited so anxiously for anybody to comment on my cooking skills before.

Time to get back into “study mode” now

Love

“ Main supurdd karti hoon khud ko os main jo teri chahat hai, mujhe bakshh de wo bhi jo meri chahat hai, kyun k ho ga wohi jo teri chahat hai… shayad main ne na-farmani ki os ki jo teri chahat hai … Main thak gaii hoon is main jo meri chahat hain, bilakhir wohi hoa jo teri chahat hai”



I can’t move a muscle without you, they say, but I don’t think about you when I move my legs or toss my hair back. Can I generate all the action potentials you generate on your commands in my body? How does this work? As I am typing, I look down at my fingers pressing the keys so fast I loose track sometimes. How does this happen?

Why did you make it so fast? Why did you make it so random? Why did you make so many emotions in a person? Why did you make so many people?

People, there are so many of them I want to talk to but I cant. I don’t see a point in crying my heart out to my so-called-friends that are no less than strangers. How can you be sure you know somebody inside out? They say, no matter how well you think you know somebody they still have secrets.

My question is where do I seek refuge from life? Where do I hide myself? How to I distract myself? How far will I go with this? How do I keep going? Is my willpower strong enough? Or is there something I am terribly missing?

Will power? It is strong; I have to admit that. I have tremendous faith in me. But I did not realize it would be so hard growing up wanting to do what I want. Perhaps I realized today –truly- that I am no less than a person seeking forgiveness for acts I might have performed unintentionally.

What would I have done?

Why do I feel I am running in circles when I am actually not? It’s been 4 months; I need an energy booster Allah! You know my will power is too strong for all this but could it be for something else? I have strong faith in you and I believe all the bad times are to test me and I assure you… you will find me closer each time I am bashed by the worldly acts.


I am satisfied with the fact that I will find a way or shall I say, you will make one for me. I know You haven’t taught me to bow down, I know you haven’t taught me to break and you haven’t made me weak. I know I can’t be trashed, I can’t be blasted, I can’t be damaged. I know this because I know You.


I am walking towards you… and you promised… you would run toward me.

Know what’s funny? When people think whatever they do is because they want to do it that way but its actually Allah who has already decided it for them and people are just following it blindly thinking they got the brains behind it. It’s funny when I think about my origin; why I am where I am and why am I doing what I am doing…why am I typing here? Huh?

As I was studying neuroscience and the neural impulses that are generated every second or millisecond or even less, depending on the type of fibre; its hard to believe that there is a more powerful being that decides all this. That we don’t even think about mostly…some doubt it, but ITS THERE!

Some say we can change our destiny.. can we really? I say we can’t, we can only change ourselves and be more devoted to Allah, pray more, do more charity, but we can’t really change it … whatever has to happen will happen all we can do is act accordingly to let it happen. Act accordingly is not a choice, not even if you’re jumping out your window, banging your head on the wall, praying or??? You name it. Than what is our choice? Maybe choosing the right or wrong, this is where Allah gives us a bit space and watches how smart we are, but guess what… whatsoever you choose is actually what he wants of you.

When I was little I could never understand the inside meaning of a lot of things, like “I recognized God by my failures” I did not know what on earth it meant until I came across circumstances that left me dumbstruck. Numerous knock backs helped realize how worthless I am. There has to be a divine power that leads me, gives me strength, courage, confidence and when a little over confident it slams me back to reality.

What is it? I often asked myself. Perhaps I was too confused of the whole notion. It isn’t at the top of my head, behind me, or beside me, covering its face until I do something wrong to catch me and make me go through tests. It’s in my heart and its everywhere at the same time. And it listens to me; it answers me every time I truly spoke to it. Every time I suffered, cried, longed, stressed, broke down, or got to my knees realizing and accepting my limitations, my weakness, my fragility, my faults, my defects and my puniness. I realized its existence, I realized its love for me, I realized its decisions for me, and I realized my destiny!